Each time I see you appear in my dream, it means something bad might happen. But I still willingly followed you. And sure enough, you leave quickly, you weren’t who you are or whom I remember literally (in the dream you said you were reset) and that I had to go through the same (sounds like Divergence haha) and I was put down with a jab.
Literally stabbing pain.
来不及 再轰轰烈烈
就保留 告别的尊严
我爱你不后悔 也尊重故事结尾
别让执念 毁掉了昨天
我爱过你 利落干脆
再见 不负遇见
Until the day when the words flowing out of my pen tip is true to the words in my head.
最近 朋友遇到了婚姻问题。也许问题不在于‘婚姻’，而更出自于‘个性’。不过是不是如果没有婚约，问题就变得简单些？
我脑海里有两个问题：
如果没有婚约，没有孩子，也许这个问题可以简化一点地来解决。我想，无论在哪一段恋情，谁都无法保证对方不会中途找到更好的。在没有婚约的情况/前提下，在一段恋情里 对方/恋人找到更适合自己的人，如果不算出轨，这跟以上结了婚的例子到底有什么分别（吗？）没有婚约的情况/前提下，难道恋人们都有自由继续寻找更适合的人，可是结了婚的人就没资格了吗？Or on the contrary, 没有婚约的恋人们 就不肯好好的厮守到老吗？
无论有没有婚约，我觉得两个人在一起，就是对彼此的承诺/约定。那为什么我们没有办法同等地对待同样一件事发生在 “未婚”（or永远不婚）and “已婚” 的恋人上？
We are one month and a week into 2019. I’ve decided that having somewhere else to write things may help to clear some headspace; and/or it may help words flow out of my fingertips(?) more smoothly.
I’ve (ironically) chosen a twenty seventeen template for a fresh start into personal blogging again in 2019. Does that mean in some sense, I haven’t moved on?
I’m really here because on the walk to work, I thought about irony. I realise I like to keep things to remind myself of past that hurts, in order to remind myself to not get hurt the same way again. Like how I keep my gym card on me although that particular gym has closed down a few years back already. Like how I sometimes reread some of the old emails I kept in a folder. Like how I reread that email between you and her.
But time, and age, is a funny thing. With time, recollecting some of these hurting past tends to bring up some other tender moments. I guess this makes for romanticising the past, romanticising memories. Memories don’t fade. Time is a filter that helps to wash out certain memories until they no longer hurt when held.
不是每份礼物都送得出
不是每份礼物都还得回去
That was the only time you’ll ever hear both our names being reported over the PA system.
So everyone/we were wondering why both our names, specifically, and only.
We were spoken to separately. Didn’t see him until we were both done with being questioned. Of course, I finally realised why they called for us in the middle of a school day down to the General Office, after being subjected to the questionings.
What the issue was, I’m not going to discuss it here. But one point I took away: we were both very fortunate to have had built a good name for ourselves in school so much so that even before the teachers took us to questioning, they already believed that we couldn’t have done it.
Trust is so fragile. Our names, our reputation are all so fragile.
There is a part of me of you that wouldn’t go away.
I need to go back to Beijing and get drunk.
A part of me of us was left there, I need to get it back.
Ironically, over the weekend, I’ve grown cold.
I’m starting to wonder why am I the one who does the planning, does the footing of bills.. and he just carries on with life as though it is habitual.
All the outings, places we visit, food we eat… happens only because I wanted it. As though he is only tagging along, he doesn’t have to responsible for any of it, financially or psychologically. Why is it that he doesn’t like making choices for both of us? I can’t always be the one who comes up with activities. If you can’t gather enough passion to make decisions or plans within both parties’ limits and preferences, then maybe I should re-interpret your feelings.
2013 flew by.
I took a plane to Taipei on Boxing Day.
Before that, Christmas flew by in the form of 2 parties and an Ikea bill of $135.
So we took a plane to Taipei that transits at HCM and reached the designated house at midnight. We were greeted by gusts of chilling wind and the kind of cold air that condenses when you breathe.
It was a warm old-style Japanese house apartment, on the 5th floor. Walk up apartment, no lifts. We carried our luggage round and round, then up the narrow stairwell, well buffered due to our fat clothing.
Nights spent on the hard wooden floor boards… were a little… rigid. My hips hurt in the morning if I had tried sleeping sideways the night before. But pity the aunt, who had to wake at 6am every morning to catch the bus to town for work. Oh wells, she ends her working day at 2pm. My back aches and hips hurt, but her comfy blankets made up for it. And of course I have nothing to complain about free-loading at her apartment and warm home-cooked meals.
I’ve had enough of superficial tours, credit to my dad who saved up hard enough to bring the entire family on holiday annually when my sister and I were still young. So this trip to Taipei had no fixed itinerary. I just floated to where his family needed to go. We had time on our hands for exploring in the afternoon when the aunt and his mom rested at home. We were only 1 stop away from the famed 101, and there is a public bus stop right downstairs, in front of the convenience store anyway. Travelling was convenient. And easy.
Days were filled with Eslite bookstores, museums and cafes. En route to these destinations, we get to take long walks around Shi Da street markets, Shi Fan University. And basically we just let ourselves get lost on the streets for a while to see some things, before we get back on track to the right museum/café/restaurant/bookstore.
The highlight of the trip was fireworks on New Year’s night. It seems that cold air allowed the fireworks to display very clearly (no smog) escalating up the 7 cubic steps of the 101 tower. Roads in Taiwan are wide, everyone gathered and sat around on the streets surrounding 101, and there was still an empty column on the right which allowed pedestrains to walk freely. It was a calm and easy way to spend your countdown if you want to catch fireworks. I remembered the last year we had to chope seating spots at MBS and brave the rain just to catch Singapore’s fireworks.
On the last day, we checked in the airport Novotel because our return flight the next morning was at 7am. So we woke at 4am to catch the free shuttle to the airport to make the check in for our flight. The hotel was really nice to prepare some croissants and hot drinks at the lobby for those who were waiting for the 1st shuttle bus of the day to the airport.
I’m beginning to appreciate trips where we have no itinerary to follow, nothing that you die-die-must-see. Just fly yourself there, have fun in their public transport, pick local eateries, fix certain cafes, and get yourself lost on the way there. Have a calming holiday. Not a rushed one. I mean, there are already enough deadlines to clear at work, why bother with deadlines again when you’re out on a holiday?
Art is a lie that makes us realise the truth－Pablo Picasso 